The Hidden Weapons Cache A Short Felicity Fanfic
by Commander Cody CC-2224
Summary: The Merriman family members are visited by two mysterious-looking footmen in black, along with seven weird-looking dwarf garden gnomes. A parody of "Men in Black II" that takes place in "Felicity Learns a Lesson". One-shot.


**ALTERNATE UNIVERSE SERIES presents:**

_**The Hidden Weapons Cache**_

**(A Parody of **_**Men in Black II**_** and **_**Felicity: An American Girl**_**)**

**(From The Wacky World Of Felicity Merriman)**

**Written By: **_**Commander Cody CC-2224**_

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This little fic is derived from a scene in _Men in Black II_, where Agent J and Agent K visit a local apartment to obtain some cool-looking weapons in a class belonging to the Series 4 De-Atomizer. The story takes place in _Felicity Learns A Lesson_, almost after Mrs. Merriman holds a discussion with Felicity about her first gentlewoman lessons at Miss Manderly's.

Double Disclaimer: I do not own the scene's plot of _Men in Black II_, much less the franchise itself, nor do I own Felicity the American Girl. I just thought it would be fun to include some funny aspects of MIB into the world of Felicity Merriman.

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October, 1774 A.D.

Sometime around the early to late evening, after suppertime

Williamsburg, Virginia

Merriman Residence, Duke of Gloucester Street

The Merriman family members were gathered in the parlor room. Mr. Merriman and his trusty apprentice Benjamin Davidson were steeped in a chess game, each player vying to get each other checkmated. Mrs. Merriman was busying herself with a sampler attached on a sampler stand, and had just finished discussions about her eldest daughter Felicity's first gentlewoman lessons with the new graceful spinster Miss Manderly. Both Felicity and younger sister Nan were seated on a single bench in a fairly ladylike manner, helping each other with reading the Roman alphabet and the Lord's Prayer. The youngest child, William, was seated on Mr. Merriman's lap.

Suddenly they heard a rather eerie unlocking of the front door. Thinking that whoever was unlocking the door at this hour was some kind of burglar, Mr. Merriman poised himself in defense. When the door opened, however, there appeared in the doorway two mysterious-looking footmen in long black coats, breeches, gaiters, and black gentlemen's boots. The footman standing at the left side of the doorway appeared to be a Caucasian, and the other footman at his side appeared to be a Negro. Each of them was armed with a flintlock pistol. Behind those footmen were seven hyperactive, fairly disgruntled garden gnomes, each of them appearing to be two-thirds the height of little William. The Merrimans could immediately notice that the black footman was toting some kind of backpack-based machine with some kind of device attached to it. The device was attached to the machine by a bizarre-looking nylon cord.

The white footman took a deep and graceful bow. "Good evening, kind sir," he greeted, as he stood up. "My sincerest apologies I offer up to you, but necessity compelled us to drop by your ménage."

For a brief moment Mr. Merriman seemed to be at a lost for words. "Who…are…you?" he asked skeptically and cautiously, after a short silence.

"We are honorable agents from a Congressional organization that monitors all alien life in the Thirteen Colonies," the white footman replied.

"And we feel the ultimate need to search your house," put in the black man in his slightly drawling Southern accent.

"Search?" asked Mr. Merriman, quite flabbergasted. Then he scoffed a little. "You're out of your mind."

"You're frauds," declared Ben indignantly, giving them a rather unfriendly glance at the agents in black.

"Oh really?" asked the black man in a not-so-courteous tone of voice, in his Southern drawl. "Well check this out…" Both footmen stepped aside, revealing the seven dwarf garden gnomes. Without so much of a "good evening", the gnomes started introducing each other one by one. Mrs. Merriman and the children immediately stood up and stared at them in stupefied wonder.

"Grumpy."

"Happy."

"Sneezy."

"Sleezy."

"Dopey."

"Bashful."

"Doc."

"'Doc'?" asked Felicity incredulously. "As in "'Doctor'?"

"Aye, Madame Redhead. I'm a paramedic, you see," the gnome croaked in a rather disgruntled manner.

"I will not have you address my eldest daughter in that manner, sir," declared Mr. Merriman firmly. "Her proper name is Miss Felicity Merriman."

"Fine, whatever. Just let us get on with our business and we'll be off in a huff."

The black man started talking. "You see? Alien life forms. And we're on an everlasting mission to monitor their activities. So if you'll kindly excuse him while he searches around…"

The white man made his hasty approach near the right side area of a fireplace, where Mrs. Merriman was seated, and quickly surveyed a single rectangular portrait with its widths positioned horizontally, and which comprised of a cobblestone road, a lightly thatched house, and a copse of trees on the left side of the roadway. After feeling his fingers around the portrait, he took it down and turning a few weird-looking knobs in both clockwise and counterclockwise directions. Immediately two elegant-looking doorknobs protruded from the wall at the other end of the room relative to the direction facing from the fireplace. The black man approached that spot and pulled both knobs, thus revealing two doors that opened opposite of each other, and a shelf.

The Merrimans were very much aghast. The hidden closet contained a weapons cache. On the shelf bizarre looking rifles, muskets, pistols, and combat knives, gunpowder stored in clear glass jam jars, and ammunition were neatly arranged on the shelf and on the wall as well. The footman rushed hastily to the cache, grabbed a handful of pistols and threw each of them to the dwarves, who managed to catch it with surprising dexterity. Then he grabbed two twin-barreled rifles and two bread knives, handed one of each to his other footman buddy.

Mrs. Merriman glanced at her husband in a rather confused and cross manner. At the same time, she was worried, too. "Edward, why didn't you tell us you were storing firearms the day we moved in?"

"I-I don't know, dear," replied Mr. Merriman, looking confused and mildly astonished as well. "I wasn't aware of this…until now."

"B-But surely…" Mrs. Merriman was speechless for words. The whole thing is just weird, she thought to herself.

"Whole reason why you might have something like that in your house is 'cause you're a Patriot," answered the black man. "Possibly a precautionary in case some British folk start goin' on the rampage."

The girls were shocked as well, including William, but managed to overcome it by asking whether he could hold one of those guns.

"Certainly not!" exclaimed Mrs. Merriman. "You're too young to handle such things."

"I'd like to handle one," said Felicity excitedly.

"Lissie, 'tis most improper for gentlewomen to handle guns!" exclaimed Nan.

"Let's get out of here before they start askin' too many questions about the hidden weapons cache," said the black man.

The garden gnomes, armed with their flintlocks, scurried out of the parlor room and outside the house. The footmen, on the other hand, had a few loose ends to tie up before leaving. So after shouldering their firearms on their right side shoulders using the straps, and with his buddy on his right side, the white footman unlatched the device on the black man's backpack and pointed it directly at the family members gathered together. Both footmen covered their faces with Shakespearian masks etched with smiley faces. Then the footman agent tampered with some switch settings.

"How long as it been…?" he asked his buddy. "Approximately two minutes…"

"…And forty-nine seconds, to be exact," added the other footman."

"Got it."

The lead footman switched on the machine and switched the backpack thing on. The machine started generating a low hum. As the humming sound started building up, a flash generated from what appeared to be some kind of incandescent lamp.

The white footman attached the device back to the backpack and both men took off their masks. The Merrimans now had confused faces, as if whatever they remembered during this particular event had suddenly vanished from their minds, which they did. The white footman started making a formal announcement to ease their utter confusion.

"You did not see a weapons cache in your parlor room, nor did you see seven weird-looking garden gnomes. You _will_ love and cherish each other for the rest of your natural lives." The footman was careful to refrain from using the word "hidden" to describe the weapons cache, for fear that the Merrimans would find it again, as no one should know about it, except the mysterious footmen. Then without further adieu, the lead footman departed hence from the parlor room.

"…Which could be in around the next hour or so, so you all should get to lovin' and cherishin'," the black footman put in, as he wanted to include a little bit of his opinions concerning his buddy's speech. As he was near the doorway about to depart, he added further, "Oh, and they can stay up late all night as long as they want and eat cake, cookies, rock candy, and junk and stuff, and drink steaming hot chocolate, or tea, if they prefer…" Without another word he backed out the door, almost stumbling on his feet, and shut it behind. Mr. Merriman immediately bolted the door.

Mrs. Merriman looked at her husband rather skeptically before she turned her eyes on the children. "'I dare say, 'tis getting to be quite late."

"Can I stay up late all night?" asked Felicity, grinning an impish grin.

"Heavens, child, no!" replied Mrs. Merriman, frowning slightly. "Just because we're told to do such things by those strange men doesn't mean we will. Besides, you don't want to be so groggy during your first lessons with Miss Manderly, would you? 'Twould be quite an offense to her. Isn't that right, Edward?"

"Quite, dear," replied Mr. Merriman, who was busy as a bee with the chess game.

Felicity heaved a sigh. "Yes, Mother," she said in a rather meek tone of voice.

"And what about the part about loving and cherishing?" asked Nan.

Mrs. Merriman put her arm around Nan and beamed, chuckling slightly. "That we will do," she said warmly.

Then Mrs. Merriman got up. "Come on, my little Lissie," she said to her eldest daughter in a fairly gentle manner. "Let's set to work on getting your clothes ready, before we retire for the evening."

With a rather disappointed sigh Felicity followed her mother upstairs. She always wanted to do something like that. _Oh well, 'twould do no good to go against Mother's wishes_, she thought rather unhappily to herself.

**THE END**

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A/N (1): That flashy thing that was just described is supposed to be some kind of neuralyzer device, only, it's in the form of a 19th century camera device.

A/N (2): The dialogue from the footmen was derived [somewhat directly] from Agent J and Agent K. I sort of spruced it up a little.

A/N (3): The names of the dwarf garden gnomes were taken from _Snow White and the Seven Dwarves_, a fairy tale story written by the Brothers Grimm (Jakob and Wilhelm Grimm).

I hope you enjoyed this parody. Please R&R (Review & Rate).


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